The last few months have been difficult for me. I concluded my bodybuilding season and
planned on putting the time I was spending on cardio into my business.
I was stuck
But I was stuck. I couldn’t get started. I started getting depressed about being stuck and the more depressed I got the more angry I became with myself. “I should be over this by now” “My life is going so well, why am I sad?!” I was terrified that if I told the people I care about they would take it personally and I would hurt them, and hurting them is the last thing I wanted to do! So I kept it to myself.
My plans for this year are lofty. A big move, letting go of my beautiful van to make room for a bigger better van, getting my health under control including a probable knee surgery…there’s a lot going on and the more I thought about it the worse I felt. Everything my life has been about for the last 2 years is going away, at least temporarily. I won’t be able to train, hike, camp, or create any new content consistent with what my IG is all about. Who am I without my van and fitness?
I’ve been in another city away from my family for a week and have been forced to be with myself and examine what changed in me (not in my circumstances) that was causing my discomfort. I went to a bookstore to look for a specific book my mom recommended that might help. They didn’t have it, but I did find another book by one of my favorite authors and opened it up to a random page in the middle. I opened it to a page that described one of the biggest struggles I am dealing with right now (one I haven’t shared) almost the exact same story.
I knew it was a sign. On my way home I put on one of her books on audible and listened to it for a few hours. I was reminded that I am in the middle of reading A Course in Miracles again and decided to do the daily practice.
Let me not obscure the light of the world in me.
“I am the light of the world. Let me not obscure the light of the world in me.” That’s what I have been doing. I have been dimming my light by focusing on how things aren’t going my way. I was so set on how I wanted my life to look that I wasn’t seeing what my life could be.
“Forgiveness is my function as the light of the world. My acceptance does not depend on my recognizing what my function is, for I do not yet understand forgiveness.” I don’t need to understand how I am supposed to bring light to the world, all I have to do is accept that that is what I am going to do. Maybe I don’t need to be someone’s fitspo, or share my travels. Maybe all I need to do is live my life and share my day-to-day struggles and how I deal with them. Maybe I am enough just as I am without trying to prove something or create some Internet personality. I don’t understand how to forgive everyone for every way they’ve wronged me, I just have to be willing to try.
ACIM also says that “Love holds no grievances.” This means that in my willingness to accept my duty to spread love and light, I have to also be willing to abandon the fear, anger, and resentment I’ve been holding onto. It’s impossible to spread love and resentment at the same time, and even though I knew I’d like to spread love, what I’d been doing was holding onto fear and separating myself from love.
Realizing this has made me feel like a huge weight has been lifted. In every moment of every day, I have a choice. I can choose to see love, or I can choose fear and separation. Choosing fear is what I’ve known my whole life. It’s uncomfortable but familiar. Many of us are stuck in this way of being. Our lives have become painful but our minds still resist choosing another way.
The way of love and light is unfamiliar. How will we navigate a new territory that is so foreign to us? There is uncertainty in choosing a new path for ourselves but once you do you will realize that letting go of fear and resentment is the easier path. It opens doors you couldn’t even see before. It brings you a level of joy and peace that you didn’t know was possible. It allows you to be present in the moment instead of ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.
Choosing the way of love and light isn’t always easy. Your ego will fight you on it, and your old patterns will try to draw you back into the darkness. Your mind will challenge you constantly to see if this is what you truly want.
My own personal journey hasn’t been in a straight line. I made progress, slid back into the darkness, popped my head out, then sunk even deeper before climbing out. I can’t say for sure whether I’ll be in the clear forever but I do know that as long as I keep returning to love I will have a much better chance. The more I practice peace the more comfortable and familiar it will become.
This is my new mantra and hopefully it will help you as well:
Thank you, Universe for bringing this to the surface so it can be healed. Although I may not know HOW to heal it I am WILLING to heal and be open to the many ways that may happen.
